Two minutes of staring at my computer screen and I literally didn't know how to put a mind-grabbing and interesting introduction to what I want to say. The backspace key was pressed a number of times in an attempt to make this introduction worthy enough for the whole content to be read. I don't know if this introduction was successful but this is the only way I can think of right now.

I guess what I am trying to say is I've lost the talent that I think I have - and now had - in writing. The realization came as I was reading a post a colleague made in her blogsite. It was just so well-written that I cannot help but realize that I haven't written such an interesting and promising article in quite a while. As a student, I had been praised for how I was able to put together words and present them in an interesting and in an almost-perfect-grammar way. I rejoiced. I finally have a God-given talent that I can cultivate and be proud of. And that I did.

Despite the negative and discouraging comments I got from my parents who kept on saying that they do not see that passion I have in writing, I kept on with my goal of being a writer. In the journalism school I attended, I studied with much excitement for the realization of my dream. Three years of reading, studying, doing reports, and writing articles and news and I was able to go out into the world with a diploma in my hand and good grades I hope to present to companies I want to be a part of. I was successful in my application as a web copywriter and so I began my quest to become a notable writer in time.

Fast forward to five months after entering the company and my dream suddenly became my worst nightmare. I had been told that my writing style had not been so well and that no improvement was made. I was crushed. I had been so sure that I am at least a good writer and then I have been slapped with the truth - that I need a lot of improvement. Okay, the truth really hurts. I blame myself mostly for what happened. I became so lax thinking that I was doing well and because I got such good grades when still in school. Apparently, I can't use that to defend myself against the truth because in reality, I had not shown the proof of these good grades through the work I was tasked to do.

I began thinking that what my parents told me was the truth - that writing isn't really for me. I had just been told that I was good at creating good articles and I've mistaken it as the career which I ought to pursue. Another slap there. Confusion clouded my mind and I became emotionally unstable. What was I to do? I knew at the time that I had to face this challenge and improve my writing but I just had no courage and motivation to hold on to that time.

It was a struggle to create even just a passable article. I'd like to think that I have been successful in doing that but I know it's a mistake to think that way. If I become lenient again, then I'll just be repeating and repeating this experience until I've learned my lesson. So, I'd like to think that I'm on my way there and that improvement is a never-ending process that I have to go through for the rest of my career life. That way, I'll finally be able to pick up the pins and needles that have hurt me so bad, never encounter and step on them again.

In time I know I'll be successful in fully reconciling with my God-given talent. But as of the moment, I'll continue on improving until I reach my dream. And because I am armed with encouragement from friends and prayers sent up above, I think I'll manage. I will become my dream.

God's Love

It’s really hard to go looking for God sometimes. Waiting for Him to appear is even harder to do. But the hardest I think is not acknowledging the fact that He will come and find you, living with nothing to look forward to everyday because you do not accept “the reality of God” that other people rejoice in and live with everyday.

God is waiting for us to accept Him, and then that’s the time He will come find us. Because even though He comes and finds us, yet at that time we do not believe in His existence, then we still won’t be able to see and feel His presence around us.

My comment on Tommy: Simple Story of God's Love posted on my friend's blogsite.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Live, laugh, love. These are three of the most important things in life that I think I'm forgetting to do lately. I know it was because of a lot of problems that had me almost give up. I have absolutely zero motivations and naturally, inspirations rarely come as well. Ranting is what I've been doing, focusing on problems, when what I should be doing is to find solutions to my problems. But here's the thing, how do you solve a performance problem in work?

I really don't want to dwell on that anymore. I've had it with ranting (I hope. Hehe), crying over work (yes, I did), anger, and dwelling about how hopeless I am right now. As my mum said, there are still a lot of problems that are worse than mine so I have to be thankful. Yeah, I think I'll do that. I'll start thinking about only the good things that I have. No, not just that, the blessings that I'm receiving. There's still more to come, I know. So, I'll just focus on those. Life will be easier lived that way.

I'm guilty and very much ashamed to admit that I've almost given up my beliefs, given up on myself, and the gravest sin of all, I've almost given up on God. I was crazy back then. Crazy because of all the negative vibes, problems, and anger surrounding me. I've almost drowned, but He pulled me back up again. He still hasn't given up on me and I know He won't. So, I want to take this opportunity to say my simple thanks.

Thank you Lord for not giving up on me, for continuously blessing me even when I'm already at fault, and basically for everything. I owe you a lot and I hope in time, I'll be able to repay you by making you really proud of what I've become. I Love You.

I've said it. Yay! I feel so light-hearted and warm right now. In fact, I wanna sing my made-up song. LOL!

Bad vibes go away, don't come again another day.

Haha. Does it make sense? Well, anyway, I'm just so happy I'm okay now. I know there will still be lots of problems to come but I hope I don't lose my sanity over them. Hehe.

Another song,

Umaaraw, umuulan
Umaaraw, umuulan
Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan

Umaaraw, umuulan

Wag kang maawa sa iyong sarili
Isipin na wala ka nang silbi
San’ dambuhalang kalokohan

Bukas sisikat ding muli ang araw
Ngunit para lang sa may tiyagang
Maghintay............

Kaibigan,
Wag kang magpapatalo
Kaibigan,
Itaas ang noo

Thanks a lot to the people who've helped me get through it all. My friends, my boyfriend, and my family. And of course, God. =)

Here's to another great journey ahead. Cheers!

How to Cope Up with the Stress of Work

I admit, the stress of working too much is draining me fast. Depression attacks and anger are the common results of the stress I get from work. I even told my friends that my work gets the fun out of writing. That's something, as I enjoy and love writing ( the very reason I took journalism obviously).

So, how do I still manage to get all things done, and still reach the incentive scheme of the company I work in?

• Have music in my ears
• Submerge myself in the aroma of my instant coffee (LOL) and drink it
• Browse sites not related to my work (after I'm done working on an article)
  
• Talk to my Oriental Love, Mike
• Chat with my officemates
  

• Pester my Hippie Boss (LOL! And yes, he really is my boss!)
  

• Cover myself with a blanket (during times that our office suddenly becomes Canada)
• And of course, blog!
  

Oh, and yeah, look at cute (and cuddly) things, as suggested by my officemate Rico in his blog post, A Dose of Cute Makes You Happy Enough to Get Things Done.

I am already aware of this that's why I carry a stuffed bear around the office. Unfortunately, this is how I Look like when I do that.

Although I think it scares my officemates, especially my boss who suffers the most from my "Teddy Bear Grenades." (Evil laugh)

A Wake To Remember

This was written when I was still a Journalism student back in my college years. Inspired by my friend who posted his college essay in his blog, I'll post mine too! LOL!

Here goes...

I knew that something was wrong. The atmosphere suddenly became the one I feared the most since the announcement of my grandfather’s terrible sickness. We quickly packed our things and headed North to our province, Candon, Ilocos Sur, for the nine-day wake of my grandfather. We were all quiet during the eight-hour trip, knowing that our fears would come to reality.

When we got there, we were greeted by our grandmother who quickly burst into tears the moment she hugged us, muttering, “Wala na ang Daddy niyo…!” Naturally, we all wept with her. After we had seen the corpse of my grandfather lying in his coffin, we unpacked our things and had a chat with our other relatives.

I went out and talked to my second cousins who were just around my grandparents’ house. Our chat somehow lessened the sadness I was feeling inside. I looked around and only then did I realize that the orchids and plants my grandmother grew were gone and toldas were built instead. And people were playing bingo, cards, and the old men were drinking beers. There were a lot of people just going in and out of the house and everyone seemed to know each other. That’s how it will always be in our little barrio.

When I got home, I saw that my mother and aunts were already wearing the black veil for mourning. Then, my cousin handed me a black pin and told me to wear it. Before dinner, my grandmother got a platito and put a piece or two of everything we had for dinner and a glass of water,which is called atang, and put it on the table beside my lolo’s coffin. They believed that the dead should still be given food. After dinner, two old women arrived. People helping us in my lolo’s funeral arranged the chairs and the prayer session started. My cousins and I sat silently and listened to every word said although we did not understand any of it. The prayers were in deep Ilokano. This we did every morning and afternoon during the nine-day wake.

The next day, some of my grandfather’s friends will arrive for the eulogy. As we listened to their experiences with our lolo, we couldn’t help but cry with them, not because he was gone, but because only then did we realize that our lolo had touched and helped so many lives during his stay here on earth.

One of the amusing incidents at the wake was when one of my aunts decided to take a bath. She had already gone to the bathroom when my lola knocked on her door. Surprised, she asked why and my lola told her that the immediate family of the dead must not take a bath inside the house during the wake. We had to laugh at that, because we really couldn’t think of any reason or logical explanation. My poor aunt had to go and dry herself quickly. Luckily, my grandmother’s niece was willing to let her and her other siblings take a bath in their house. When she was through and was about to comb her hair in our house, she was again stopped because the immediate family members of the dead must not comb their hair inside the house during the wake. Obviously, we all laughed thinking that my lola was joking. But of course, it’s tradition, and if you’re there, you have to abide by it.

Then, finally, night came. The most awaited time of the day when all can have a rest. But some of my aunts had to stay beside our lolo’s coffin. It was a rule there never to leave a corpse without company at any time. My mom and her siblings had to alternately accompany our lolo during the night.

My cousins and I were very unfortunate since it was also a tradition there that the immediate family of the dead must not do any of the household chores. We had to be the ones to do the laundry, wash the dishes and prepare the table for dinner. But of course, it wasn’t such a burden since many of our other relatives were always willing to help even in small ways.

When the ninth day of the wake was over, all of us were so busy. The manongs were busy slaughtering the 2 pigs intended after the burial; the manangs were busy preparing the dishes and plates; and we were busy preparing for the burial procession. When the burial procession started, we were advised not to look back at the house once we left it. In the church, we were all quiet listening to the priest although again, my cousins and I couldn’t understand any word spoken. Before the mass ended, we each had a look at our lolo’s coffin and gave him a white rose. Then, we went to the cemetery. We all cried our hearts out since this would be the last we will see our beloved lolo. Mixed emotions we felt, but mainly joy. Joy, for he would no longer endure the pain from his terrible sickness and be able to live now an eternal life with God.

Upon returning, we were advised not to take the route we had taken when we left for the burial. It was best to take another route. Perhaps because it signaled that we are now on another road and we will not take the path again that we had just passed. And perhaps because it also reminded us that the past must remain to be the past and not let it burden us along our way. What greeted us upon entering the house was the delicious smell of dishes served. Among those were the tupig, mechado, dinuguan and Ilocos Sur’s pride, the igado. We all had full stomachs after enjoying the feast.

But our trip and the funeral did not end there. The next day, we went to the beach for what they call the gulgol. The immediate family, before diving into the great waters of the sea, had to line up and be poured with sand and vinegar and splashed with water that first went through the bao containing burned hay and the blood of a chick. Then, they must head straight to the water to rinse and have a little fun. They believe that by doing this, the sadness were feeling about the loss would be lessened. And again, when we went back, we had to take another route, different from the one we took when we left for the beach.

Our trip to our province, unlike any other trip, was a combination of joy and sadness. It was a big blow for me since that was the first time I lost a relative so close to me. And it was a first to see my lola, mom, aunts and uncles cry so hard over losing something so precious to them. I thought that the tears that must be shed must be tears of joy. Because isn’t it that the ultimate end of humans is to be with God? So then I thought that the dead are fortunate because they are finally given the chance to meet God and therefore be able to understand, clarify the mysteries that surround Him. After that, I told myself that I didn’t want to see anymore crying over a lost loved one but I knew deep in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to escape that reality, even though I’ve said such profound words.

Working Too Much and Enjoying Every Minute of It

Yes, I Think I've been working too much. The fact that it's already been two days since I last posted here proves that I don't have any time to spare anymore. But I'm not really complaining. I'm enjoying my job, believe it or not. But I'm not saying that i always enjoy it either because there are times that I just can't write a decent article for no reason at all. Well, maybe because I'm just to o restless, to sleepy, or to tired.

However, there are more times when I enjoy my work, not because of the work itself, but because of the good, no great company I get here everyday. We're always on the lookout for fun and we make sure that there is never a dull moment whenever we're not being so busy writing stuff.

I'm making the most out of my stay here (hey, I aint going nowhere), doing the very best performance I could give, so that when I look back on this working experience, regrets wouldn't surface and only happy memories to reminisce would greet me back.

I've already been in a bad working experience and I do not intend to relive that horror. I'd like to say that I'm a little experienced now in this kind of situation but I cannot neglect the fact that I still have a long way to go to achieve the credibility I long to get. This, I could only get through hard work, and I've been told that many times now.

Perhaps this experience will lead me to conquer new heights in the future so I am not to waste this precious bundle of experience. I believe that one day, I too will be able to inspire people to work harder not just through my writings but because I have become a living example of the word success.

Ciao! I need to get my ass up to the gym already! LOL!

Finding Nemo

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim!

Okay, we all laughed our hearts out and sang full of joy with Dory in Disney’s Finding Nemo. And we couldn’t care less if Marlin was already pissed off!

Dory’s favorite line could actually serve as our mantra. Although we’d have to change swimming with living. Just keep living, just keep living..! The bottom line of life is just to keep on living. It’s a shame that it was a Disney cartoon character who taught us what we know but often neglected - to just keep on living. Dory was a good reminder on life’s little secret. It was a good thing that children, in their young age and mind was already exposed to Dory’s reminder and it is with utmost hope that I pray they do remember this little song in the darkest times of their life.

I have to admit that I often take living for granted. I sometimes wish that my life was different and worst, that it would just end. Dory reminded me of what I already know deep in my heart. I’ve always lived life as I see it - to continue on living it - but what I didn’t know then was that it was actually the secret to living a good life. keep on living it and soon I’ll have overcome problems and the pains that come with it.

What better way to know what lies ahead than to keep on living and finding my way there, right? I have to admit life is really isn’t easy to live and at times it seems that giving up is the only solution we see. But when we give up and fight, then we’ve already lost a battle that hasn’t even begun yet. But seeing life as a battle is also a sign of pessimism. Life is not a battle but a gift to be enjoyed, and more often than not we fail to see this fact.

As it is always said, God didn’t give us everything to enjoy life, but He gave us LIFE to enjoy everything. Life is a paradise full of great and wonderful things. Nad the only way to enjoy it all is to keep on swimming, keep on walking, and keep on living.

It’s not easy but let’s remember Dory’s little song, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..What do we do? We swim, swim..” And with that, everything will just fall into place. You’ll see, you’ll soon find your own Nemo.